My writing has been suffering lately. I have had no inspiration for my blog, my Examiner.com articles or my fiction. (Oh, btw, I write fiction.)
On March 23, I will have my first bout with Houston Roller Derby, and I am stressed. This is new for me. HRD will be the third league I’ve skated with in my derby career. I’ve been nervous before plenty of bouts, but never stressed.
Every practice is a strange mixture of joy and pain (physical and emotional). I come home feeling ridiculously worn out. It isn’t that things aren’t clicking between me and my teammates. We’re meshing well. I’m just legitimately worried that I’m going to get out there and disappoint them.
The Sirens, one of HRD’s four home teams, drafted me. The captains picked me with purpose. I have no clue what that purpose is, but they saw something in me during tryouts.
As I lace up my skates before each practice, I decide to overcome one of my shortcomings. Every practice, I feel as if I’m doing better. But with the 23rd getting closer, I desperately want to feel that I’ve proven my commitment and skill to them. I’m not there yet, and I am FREAKED OUT. The panic has consumed me so much that my inspiration to write is just gone.
I’ve never felt this way about derby or a team. Has anyone else ever felt this way? I need a little reassurance that this happens, and that I will wake up March 24 feeling relatively normal again.