Proving my worth

My writing has been suffering lately. I have had no inspiration for my blog, my articles or my fiction. (Oh, btw, I write fiction.)

On March 23, I will have my first bout with Houston Roller Derby, and I am stressed. This is new for me. HRD will be the third league I’ve skated with in my derby career. I’ve been nervous before plenty of bouts, but never stressed.

Perhaps I should start lightning a derby prayer candle before practice.
Perhaps I should start lightning a derby prayer candle before practice.

Every practice is a strange mixture of joy and pain (physical and emotional). I come home feeling ridiculously worn out. It isn’t that things aren’t clicking between me and my teammates. We’re meshing well. I’m just legitimately worried that I’m going to get out there and disappoint them.

The Sirens, one of HRD’s four home teams, drafted me. The captains picked me with purpose. I have no clue what that purpose is, but they saw something in me during tryouts.

As I lace up my skates before each practice, I decide to overcome one of my shortcomings. Every practice, I feel as if I’m doing better. But with the 23rd getting closer, I desperately want to feel that I’ve proven my commitment and skill to them. I’m not there yet, and I am FREAKED OUT. The panic has consumed me so much that my inspiration to write is just gone.

I’ve never felt this way about derby or a team. Has anyone else ever felt this way? I need a little reassurance that this happens, and that I will wake up March 24 feeling relatively normal again.


6 thoughts on “Proving my worth

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  1. Girl do not stress it is your insecurities PLAIN AND SIMPLE… which means its all in your head. You said it yourself u were drafted for a reason which means your valued and wanted
    Derby has never stressed u before do not let it start now. The rink is where u should undoubtedly let go of all negativity and just enjoy yourself. competition or not. Keep on keeping on

  2. This isn’t your first rodeo, and you wouldn’t be on a team let alone a roster unless you had something your team needs. Long story short, you’re a siren for reason.

    1. Thank you so much. That is exactly what I needed to hear. Confession: when I first started jamming, my mantra was “I am a leaf on the wind. Watch me soar.” Browncoats 4 life!

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